Trapped In Love

Loving you is a toxic river of hope.
Blinded by emptiness
Trying to reach out to you
Wanting to let go
Wanting to let you go
Wanting to set you free

I’d rather watch you go forward
And let myself fall back into misery.
I’d rather be trapped in hell
With my lonely,
Than gaze at the gates of heaven
With you pulling me into limbo.

You are my purgatory.
You are my safe space.
You are my familiar hurt.
You are, now free
Free from the chains of loving me.

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Something About You

Something about your hands
Crawling on my skin
And through my mind.
Spell it out,
Without your hands on me
Write it out
Mouth it out
Mean it
Feel it
Make me believe it

Something about your presences
Feels so surreal
Too intense to be real
Just a little too clear
I’m beginning to see right through
So much clarity
So much fallacy

Something about feeling this,
Thinking this
Reliving all of it
Is simply mental
But there’s something about it

Voices In My Head

I recognize the voices in my head.
More so, their intentions.
Their words,
Like venom
Flowing through my mind.
They lie! They lie! They lie!

Honestly, it feels familiar.
They speak in tongues
I speak their tongue.
Their words,
Meaningless;
But still, I comprehend.

Sometimes,
They slither into my dreams
Seduce me with illusion.
Torment my reality.
Fuck reality!
I know it’s not so.

I spend nights alone
With all of them.
All alone with them;
It’s the same sensation
As a thick rope around my neck
Or knives in my back.
Just in my head.

I don’t mind the voices in my head.
They redefine my outlook
On life, On love
I’m eternally grateful.
I don’t mind the voices in my head
Even when they make me hurt,
They don’t have their fingers on my heart.

Wasted Prayers

No longer does she waste her prayers on happy endings. The vanity of her hearts pain-filled endeavors had become redundant. She could only bleed out so much before beginning to feel foolish or, not feel at all. She begs God for sober middles. She aims simply to make it to sunset and not concern herself with whether or not she will ever rise again. She walks slowly in the rain and imagines the angels weeping on her behalf. Even if they weren’t, at least sadness didn’t feel so lonely. Something about such moments, adds melody to lonely. The type of melody, that plays on and on until you learn to forgive or release. History rears its ugly head at the most unfortunate times. So she tries to count all the beautiful things in the present. She tries to be grateful for love and solitude, for sound and silence, for the fire that lights her darkness. Then maybe one day, she’ll look back and not see a victim or a survivor but someone she recognizes.

An Epiphany

Even in a broken mirror,
It’s still my reflection.
Storms fade,
Footprints washed away,
Roses dying.
Nothing seems eternal.
Nothing feels safe.
The fear,
Lies not simply in the end,
But in the journeys relevance.
Say I never was,
Would the rivers flow in reverse?
Would you still be you?
Would it matter if you weren’t?
The nightmare starts with me,
As grain of sand
At the bottom of the infinite river
As a leaf in an orchard,
Masquerading as blissful
Masquerading as beautiful.
I can’t tell you what happens
When I wake up
Because I’m not sure
If I was ever asleep to begin with.
Clocks are racing!
It’s completely meaningless.
All they do is run in circles
But if I don’t begin to make meaning of it,
I’ll be thrown completely out of the loop.

To Be Loved

Can you feel love all around you?

Close your eyes
Can you see him loving you?

Close your mind
Don’t search for options
Do you want him to love you?

Listen to your heart
Focus on the rhythm
Drown out fear
Would you trust him to love you?

Fill the gaps
Open your heart
Get closer
Seek closure
Trust him to love you!

The Abstract Dreamer

I don’t dream like everybody else. I doubt I could if tried. I believe I’d try if I cared. I dream, with my head on a pillow of ecstasy allowing my very being to be distorted by romance, adventure and ultimate desire. Everything that happens when my eyes are closed are mere formulations of my lust for another self.

There is so much magic in fantasy and such little desire or want. In it lose track of time and self. There’s nothing linear in this trance; just majesty and the unattainable. The aesthetics at the bottom of the rabbit hole are just as distorted as time and love are in the real world and finally, reality begins to make sense.

I pray that if my fantasies are mere fallacy, the reaper may take charge of my fate. For I’d rather dance in the rain than to a new song. If heaven were to grant me one wish, that is the decade must die before I, that it won’t be in vain. That one day I would awaken in a world where fantasy and reality intertwine to create my destiny.

I stand alone at the edge of this dark and foggy forest. I fear that fear will be my undoing if not illusion. I’ll place my faith in the arms my guardian angel. Listen for her voice over the screeching of my demons. Trust in her in spite of my dismay and distress. If I might trip tonight, may I fall in love and light to find life and magic.

Wasted Flower

I’m wasted in every sense of the word.
I’m high and low.
Depression with a glow.
Rhyme with no flow.
The flower that won’t grow.

I, the flower blossom
There’s nothing for me in this budding life.
Glowing in the sunshine
Growing in my limelight.
I’m safest when the moons bright.

Hummingbirds lie on me
Suck out my nectar.
I give them life
I lose none of mine.
But I do lose self.

I’m a common beauty.
You’ve seen it.
You’ll see it.
You don’t see it.
You don’t see me for me.

I’m more than a vase filler
But I fill the vase.
I bring beauty to this place.
Fill in the space witn love

Watch me die out
Replace me with any other.
Discard me slowly so I don’t notice.
I’ll feel wasted
And you won’t feel
In any sense of the word.

An Ode To The Next Generation Of Parents

I wish my parents would stop pre-victimizing me every time someone brought up rape culture. I wish they’d stop to scaring me like it would shelter me. I wish they’d tell my brothers to protect me at all costs. I wish they’d teach my brothers to protect my sisters at all costs. I wish they’d take all the older boys into the other room and tell them that they have no right to ever make any woman cry. That they should be the gate keepers of their sisters’ hearts and never let any other man think they could even try and hurt us. I wish they tell my younger brothers to call at least one woman beautiful every day. Even if it’s just our mother, let them vocalize it. Teach them to open doors for ladies and treat girls like equals…….. I mean as equals. Teach them never to lay their hands on anybody. Teach them that it’s safer without a fight. I wish my parents would tell my younger sister that she’s beautiful. I wish they’d tell her that no man has the right to what’s hers. I wish they’d teach her that her body is hers and nobody else’s. I wish they’d teach her to wear whatever makes her happy without feeling like a slut or too masculine or too girly or too anything other than herself. I wish my mother would stop wearing make up on they days they spent alone together so she’d never think she needed it. I hope she loves her hair enough to cut it. I wish someone would teach her to love what she see’s in the mirror. I pray she learns to always clear her plate. I hope she never feels obligated to even start the meal. I hope she never feels like she needs to be like other girls. I wish I could be the one to teach her all these things. I wish somebody had taught me. I pray my father loves all us women with all his heart. I wish he’d place all of his daughters on pedestals so high that we never forget our worth. I wish he’d tell us we are beautiful so many times we’d never  need to look for it outside our front door. I wish he’d never leave his sons so they never leave their sons. When they stay, I hope they keeps them in the room whenever he tells his wife “I Love You” so they never forget to do the same. I wish my father would stop telling my brothers that he loves them only when they are breaking. I wish he’d spray those three words on our family hearts and leave them to dry in the warmth of the unity he creates every day. I pray none us ever fall in love without remembering we too can be loved.

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